Ramblings about how much I miss Holland

Alright, I'm breaking the silence....I miss Holland.  It's been just over 1 month since she died.  My spirit totally gets it.  My brain - not so much....and that's where the sorrow and grief come in because most of the time I'm fine, but sometimes I ACHE to hug her again, to do her hair, to make her lunch, read her a story and tuck her into bed.

Can I also just take a second to point out that her death was totally UNEXPECTED.  Yes, she had a brain tumor, but her prognosis was excellent and not one of her doctors thought she was going to die (until we saw the final MRI, of course, and saw that the tumor had spread like an unheard of amount in just 1 month - the oncologist said she had to check and make sure she was looking at the scans for the same kid because there's no way it would have progressed that quickly).  So yes, brain tumors can be severe, but with such a good prognosis, we were taken off-guard.  Even when we had found out at the end of June that the tumor had spread, the doctor was still very optimistic that changing chemo regimens would wipe it out (or worst-case-scenario we'd have to do radiation).  I never thought I'd have to bury my child.

I'm happy for all my friends who have kids starting school or preschool.  But occasionally I get a little sad too because since before Holland turned 2 years old, she wanted to go to school.  Last Fall she even opened the door and yelled at the bus to keep going because "I'm not 5 yet!".  And the last couple of months she'd tell me, "Mom, you're gonna miss me when I turn 5 because I'm not gonna be here all day".  Sometimes she'd add the fact that that was because she would be at school, but not all of the time.  Moments like that I look back on and think that her spirit knew her time here was short.

We've been subbing for the 10-11 year old boys Primary class for the last 3 weeks.  Sometimes it even hurts to see Holland's old Sunbeam class - yes, she only went to that class 2 times, but it's the thought that she should be sitting with that class.

We thankfully do not have many regrets.  We honestly did everything we could to help her and we know that Heavenly Father extended her life by 14 months.  The word is still out on the final pathology (STILL haven't heard back from the doctor on that one), but it looks as though she had an entirely different tumor.  She had the original JPA that mutated into a PMA.  I think we wiped that clean, but then she developed an entirely different type of tumor, not originating from the first.  Which the probability of that is like insanely rare.  So it's obvious to us that it was her time to go and that Heavenly Father needed her back.

But it still hurts.

It hurts not to be able to hug her and not see her smiling face in the morning.  It hurts that people that we meet from now on will not know her and will think that Dallin is our oldest.  It hurts not to watch her grow up, even though I know that she is an adult spirit now.

I love her so much and I'm sad that I don't get to create any more memories with her in this life.  But she's still part of our family, so now we need to figure out the best way to remember her without being creepy/weird (like creating a shrine for her, setting a place at the table for her everyday, having daily scripture study in her old room - yes, I have heard of someone doing all of this and it's just weird).

Alright, pity-party over for today.  Just don't forget about my sweet, spunky, sassy girl - cherish those memories you have of her and help me keep her memory alive  :)