Sometimes life just plain sucks. And right now, it's pretty sucky. Most of the time I try not to be a downer and I'd say I'm usually pretty optimistic, but when this stupid, *bleeping* brain tumor won't go away and just keeps coming back, it makes me mad. I'm so beyond frustrated. And over this last 24 hours since we found out that not only did it come back, but now it's spread and things are looking worse (like now possibly malignant - hopefully the tests next week will tell us if it is or not), I've had a hard time finding the right words to describe how pissed off I am. I'm pissed off at stupid little CELLS. One dumb little cell that just keeps coming back and turning into thousands of cells. And is apparently extremely difficult to kill. And now we're not dealing with one tumor - it's lots of tumors. WHAT. THE. HECK.
We saw the MRI images today - it's bad. Oh, and apparently the 3 month MRI showed what they thought was "scar tissue". Now, I don't read MRIs, but you can believe that I'm super frustrated that they didn't catch that. Super frustrated. They even compare the current scan to the previous one - so, I'm not sure what the radiologist was doing, but I'm kinda feeling like he missed something. Dr. Bruggers (oncologist) said we don't need a biopsy to know that this is not behaving how it's supposed to and that it's acting aggressively. Did I mention that I'm frustrated?! Just over 1 year ago when we started this whole process, things were so much more promising. Dr. Brockmeyer said he was 99% sure he got it all out (with the 1st surgery, mind you) and that it looked like a JPA - he literally said if you're going to get a brain tumor, this is the type to get. Well I'm calling bull crap.
And now I'm praying for a miracle - that in someway, Heavenly Father will cure her by the time she has another MRI on Monday. I believe in miracles. I know if it's His will, she can and will be cured. And the thing is, I also have faith for her to not be healed (see Elder David A. Bednar's talk "That we might not shrink"), but we were told that she would be. So now what? Was that just something we we told because we needed to hear it at that time to carry on, or is it for real?
My heart breaks at the thought of her not being able to walk/talk/so many other permanent complications that can occur from chemo and radiation. My heart has broken every single month for this past 6 months when she was getting the chemo treatments - just knowing what we're doing to her body....with the only comfort being that it was helping her. Well, nothing like a wasted 6 months. And my heart breaks at the thought of her dying - oh, how I would miss her so much.
And my heart really broke today when we told her what was happening and she asked, "why does the bad stuff keep coming back?"
Oh, Holland - you sweet innocent soul. How I wish I could take this trial away from you. I rarely cry, but I'm crying as I write this. So many unanswered questions. So many "what ifs".
I'm crying as I'm reading this. Aleta, I don't even know what to say to you. You have every right to be mad and say bad words and shout. It's so frustrating trusting doctors and hoping that they will be successful at what they do.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a senior in high school, I got sick. My hair started falling out like crazy. My sink had a yellowish appearance, I started loosing weight without trying and my stomach started hurting so bad that I would lay in bed and bawl. My parents took me to so may specialist and had me tested for so many things. And no one could give me answers. I remember praying for a doctor to tell me what was wrong with me, not even praying that something wasn't wrong in the first place. I just wanted to know what we were facing.
I remember one time we got my medical records from one doctor to take them to another. I was reading through the records and found that this particular doctor had wrote in his notes that he thought I was making it all up and was really anorexic! He never confronted me or my parents. I was livid! I wished he would have believed me and been honest with me. Anyway, they found out that I had a parasite infection in my colon and there was a good amount of damage. I also have IBS (Irritable Bawl Syndrome).
I still have some minor problems today like I get stomach aches more frequently than others. But I'm doing great. I've often thought back to that trail and wondered why I endured it. It changed the course of my life. Instead of applying for colleges my senior year like I had planned on, I was at home, not feeling well and waiting to hear the test results in I had leukemia. My first year of college was done at ECC so I could be close to home. Then I transferred to BYU-Idaho my second year. I had a wonderful experience at both schools and learned a lot about myself and made some life long friends. I also took a greater interest in the atonement and wanted to learn more about Christ's suffering and sacrifice.
Hindsight is worth a lot but we don't have it in the middle of our trials. I'm so sorry for all of your suffering. My heart especially aches and my eyes well up with tears when I think of Holland's suffering. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers.
I know I don't know you very well, mostly from seminary and girls' camp but I've always admired you and looked up to you Aleta. And I continue to do so as I follow you're family's struggles.
We're all crying with you. I'm so sorry this is happening. Again. I'm here for you. I have faith, too, and you guys are strong. Love you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I hope you know that we are praying for you guys. Love you.
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