first day of school

Well, now that summer is over, I guess I should start blogging again - bahaha!  It seems inevitable - blogging during the summer just doesn't happen.

So today is the day.  Today would have been Holland's 1st day of school!  She would have started Kindergarten at Sage Creek Elementary today.  Well, theoretically she would have.....who knows what things would look like now if she were still alive.  The plan was for her to be on chemo for 1 year, which would have ended in December 2013.  But that was before the tumor spread at the end of June 2013.  We started a new, more aggressive chemo regimen in July 2013, so that year was reset so in theory, she would have finished just last month.  But there's too many "what if's".  That plan was based on the tumors responding and shrinking and disappearing.  So in all likelihood, I bet chemo would have lasted longer than just until July 2014.

As hard as it was to say goodbye to her, and watch her die, and plan her funeral, and live life without her this past year, chemo was HARD and part of me is so grateful to be done with that chapter.  I remember feeling sick to my stomach just watching those drugs be pumped into her body.  And I wanted so badly to stop it - but I couldn't.  What was slowly killing her was supposed to be healing her at the same time.  I had no choice but to let those drugs try to help kill the disease, while I longed for her to be healthy again.  It was horrible to watch it slowly kill her.  Don't get me wrong - I LOVE Holland and would take that back in a heart beat if that meant we could have her physically back in our home, but I remember feeling this huge burden lifted from me when she passed away.  A huge burden that Christ had made lighter - one that seemed to be so gently placed on my shoulders in such a way that when it was taken from me, I hadn't even noticed that it was there to begin with.  But then I felt it physically being taken away.  It was an amazing and weird feeling.

How right she was when she told me I was going to miss her when she turned 5.  I just thought I'd be sending her to Kindergarten, not Heaven.  She was so excited to go to school to learn - but the great thing is that she's already learned so much more in Heaven that what she would have in school.

I think Holland may have told Dallin about school....the other day he grabbed the lunchbox and headed outside saying "school!".  It looked like he was waiting for the bus.  Yep, he just turned 2, so he still has 3 years before Kindergarten.  Holland knew what a school bus was at 18 months - I knew it was going to be a LONG wait for her to get to Kindergarten.  Looks like Dallin might have a similar challenge!