Holland's birthday

Today sucks. I have a knot in my throat and I feel like it's been almost a constant stream of tears all day.  I didn't think it was going to be this hard, but at least for me, this has been harder than Halloween or Christmas.  I think part of that is because she started telling me "Mom, you're gonna miss me when I turn 5", and now that today's the day she should have turned 5....it just hurts.  She always looked forward to when she would be 5.  Before she was even 2 years old she knew what a school bus was.  She often talked about going to school - she was so excited to learn.

It's hard because this is a milestone that she won't hit, not just something fun (like Christmas) that we're doing without her.  This was her day.  We would have woken her up by singing "Happy Birthday", hung up the birthday sign, and filled the day with special things that she liked to do.  We would have had a party.  Bryan and I would have talked in the weeks leading up it to what presents to get her.

Having her birthday without her makes her death feel more removed.  She died when she was 4.  Now when people ask, it's "she died when she was 4, but she would have been 5 years old now".  Her death is getting further away - likewise so are the memories.  And that hurts.

Bryan and I have compared her death to reading a "choose-your-own-adventure" book, since the time when she was alive feels like an alternate universe.  Did we even have a little girl?  Did we really spend all that time in the hospital?  Our perfect little girl - terminally ill (without us knowing it)?  What happened to all those hours watching "Megamind" or playing Plants vs. Zombies?  Did we really do those things?  Because when she died we immediately stopped doing those things since Dallin was only 12 months old and didn't care.  I wish so badly sometimes that I could read the other story - the story where she never had a brain tumor or even the one where the brain tumor was just the 4 surgeries and then we were done with it and she got to keep living with no complications.  What happens in that story?  Who would be her kindergarten teacher?  What kind of a backpack would she pick out?  What friends would she make?  When's the next playdate with Alice?  What would she be like as a teenager and then adult?  How does the rest of THAT story play out?  Can't I just turn back to that page and follow the other story?

Well sweet girl - you were right.  I would miss you when you turned 5.  I miss giving you hugs.  Putting a headband or flower clip in your hair.  Tucking you in at night.  I miss how you would eat anything (and usually a lot of it).  I miss your crazy, spunky personality.  I miss hearing your voice (because I've forgotten what it sounds like and the video clips make it sound different).  I miss watching you learn and seeing what new things you're interested in.  I miss your excited face.  I miss having you make the decision about where to eat - although if we left it up to you it was likely Pizza Pie Cafe or McDonalds.  I miss buying clothes for you.  I miss reading you stories.  I miss just about everything.  Can't wait till I get to see you again!  Love you!